*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.