my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
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We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides