If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
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when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.