Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it ๐๐ญ๐๐ญ
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If you breakdance you buy dance.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesnโt have a comma named after it.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
โYellowโ
Kid, when asked to do a chore: โI hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.โ
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Neighbor: I donโt drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
โDid he just do that by himself?โ ๐น ๐ ๐
๐ Sound up
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the skyโฆ{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
๐
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Groยฎ*
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. โIt hurts where? Yeah, thatโs your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”