mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
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On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth