When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
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I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I need to update my racial profile.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back