I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
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‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.