They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
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BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
“i am a sweet baby”
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.