[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
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If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”