BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
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A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Lassie, get help!
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Botany good plants lately?
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly