Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
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Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.