5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
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I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
❤️🦆
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.