He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
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I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.