We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
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Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.