I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
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ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
If I ignore life will it go away?
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
These are my roll models.