Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
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The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
The smoothest fall of all time
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons