Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
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My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I falcon love using swear birds
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Beauty and the Beast
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?