I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
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Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage