EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
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When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
#damn
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot