So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
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found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*