I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
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At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Worth a try
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
So that’s what we looked like?
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
That time Alicia messaged me
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.