Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
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guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Pretty much. 🤣
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.