It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
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Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Found the job I’m suited for
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.