He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
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My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.