Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
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INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.