[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
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If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics