Livid.
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genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
eggs benadryl
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Trumpy Cat
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?