WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
I only treason on days ending in y
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
kids play hide and seek like
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.