“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
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Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
remember
only for emergencies
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?