Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
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A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
when u come home smelling like another dog
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face