Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
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My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people