I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
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If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
the clam before the storm
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*