Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
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If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.