[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
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The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.