The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
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I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.