Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
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*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard