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The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands