Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
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This kid is a star!
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it