ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
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if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!