I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
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no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore