[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
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Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…