It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
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Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Very problematic
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name