astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
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Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window