Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
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Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
how do y’all walk in shallow water
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…