I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
You Might Also Like
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
How it started: How it’s going:
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.