I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
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I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?