Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
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HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.