[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
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14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Harsh but fair
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
absolute chaos
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people