If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
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imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Trying
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.