Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
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Come back after dark. Bring your friends
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized